The Most Shameful Shamy Story Ever Told
by The Tetrad
Summary: Shamy injustice has occurred time and time again. Now, Tetrad has stepped up to see all injustices against the Shamy righted in one fic. WARNING: Satire enclosed within.


**The Most Shameful Shamy Story Ever Told**

**By THE TETRAD**

**AUTHORS' NOTE: We don't own The Big Bang Theory. We also don't own the various stereotypes, overused clichés, and blatant implausibilities exhibited in this story. This is our attempt at satire, which may or may not be offensive to you—depending on how guilty you are of using the illustrated pet peeves. This is meant to be in jest or fun. That is all.  
**

**Post Season 6**

**Monday**

**7 AM**

**SHELDON'S POV (In case you didn't know.)**

Sheldon woke up. He went to the bathroom. He peed. He brushed his teeth. He rinsed his mouth. He returned to his room. He got dressed in his Monday clothes, put on his Monday socks, and combed his hair with his Monday comb. Then, he went into the kitchen and tried to decide which cereal he was going to eat today. A knock at the door interrupted his attempt to reach for the Oatie Flakes.

He answered the door and was surprised to find Amy there. "Hello, Amy," he said. Then, when he looked her over, his mouth fell open in shock. It was Amy, but she had blonde hair and was wearing a tight, red dress and high heels. "Why are you dressed like that?"

Amy said, "Penny gave me a makeover. Don't you like it?" Then, she came inside.

He considered her for a long time. "You look like Penny. Did you also lose weight and have a boob job, too?"

"Of course. Otherwise, I might never be able to seduce you."

"Seduce me?" Sheldon yelped. "You know I don't like coitus."

"I meant seduce you into playing Counterfactuals."

"I see. Well, good for you," Sheldon said with a nod. "You look really pretty, but why are you here?"

"Penny asked me to take you to work this morning. She isn't feeling well." She looked at him, taking in the look of his clothing hungrily. His red Flash T-shirt just screamed "sexy spider monkey" to her. _Mama gots to get her some of that. My ovaries scream for Sheldon, _she thought.

"Oh. OK," Sheldon said, unable to take his eyes off her new breasts. They bounced beneath the fabric of her low-cut dress. "I was about to have breakfast. Would you like some?"

"Sure," she answered, watching his firm butt carefully as he walked away. When he reached for the cereal, she thought this was odd and asked, "Isn't today oatmeal day?"

"Yeah," he said with a shrug.

"Then how can you eat cereal?"

He shrugged again. "This is the Tetrad's story. They can write it any way they dang please. If they don't want to do a simple internet search to learn my schedule, who am I to argue?"

Amy nodded solemnly. "Indeed," she agreed. "No one's allowed to question an author of fanfiction. That's against the law. Many characters have died that way."

Suddenly, Sheldon's phone rang. It was his mother. "Blimey! Why is Mom ringing me today? We don't usually have a chat until Saturdays."

"Better question: Why is a Southern guy from Texas using British slang?" Amy asked. But Sheldon didn't hear her as he had already answered the phone and taken it to his bedroom.

She looked at the little milk pitcher he'd just filled. She knew he liked to take the pitcher into the living room with him so he could wait to add the liquid to his cereal until he was absolutely ready to eat it—Less soggy that way.

"Well," she said, sneakily. "I am never gonna get a better shot than this." Opening her purse, she lifted a small vial out and poured the clear liquid into the tiny jug. Hearing Sheldon's bedroom door open, she rushed into the living room as if she had always been there.

Sheldon returned to the kitchen, poured cereal for both of them and joined Amy in the living room. He set the bowls on the table. "Well, tuck in," he invited.

Amy grinned. "Cheerio!" she joked.

Sheldon frowned. "No, these are Oatie Flakes." With a shake of his head, he added milk to both of their bowls and dug in. Five minutes later, the couple was enjoying their twin bowls of cereal in the living room while they watched _Dr. Who_.

"I thought _Dr. Who_ only came on on Saturday mornings," Amy pointed out.

"Come on, Amy. Surely you're not this thick? The Tetrad needed to have us watch something as filler and, since I am eating cereal, that means I have to be watching _Dr. Who_. It's the rules. Later, when they need us to do other stuff together we'll play Counterfactuals, go to the zoo, or go to the science center because all of those things we've done on the show. You can't expect them to think up new things for us to do. They're writers. They're busy thinking up smut scenes that involve little to no foreplay."

"Ah, OK."

"Also, pay close attention and they'll start dropping in direct quotes from the show soon. After all, in reality people repeat whole sections of dialogue many times in their lives." Sheldon didn't look up from the television as he said this, as he was so engrossed in the program.

"Is that right?"

"Of course. I can't tell you how often I say, 'Release the kracken.' I said it to Kripke just the other day for no reason whatsoever."

"Your quirks just make me love you more," Amy said lovingly.

Sheldon might have been engrossed in the TV, but she was engrossed in watching him spoon mouthful after mouthful of cereal into his mouth. She snuck a look at her watch. _Any minute now, and my plan will work_, she told herself. She supposed she should be feeling guilty for drugging her boyfriend, but her body was too needy and tired of waiting for him. She wasn't getting any younger. Amy needed this like Taylor Swift needed a bad breakup to write her next album.

**AMY'S POV (FYI)**

Sheldon felt woozy. It was odd because he could not remember a single time he'd ever eaten Oatie Flakes and felt woozy afterward. He looked at his girlfriend. "Amy," he said. "I feel woozy."

She smiled at him. "Would you like to stay home from work?"

"Sure," he said.

"Would you like me to stay with you?"

"Sure."

"Would you like to go lie down in your bed together naked?"

"Sure."

_There_, she thought. _He said it._ _That counts as an agreement in my book_. She stood up, but realized she was feeling pretty woozy herself. _Wait a minute. Did I take the drug, too? Oh no._

**—THE TETRAD—**

**SHELDON's POV (Again)**

Sheldon woke up in a tangle of intertwined legs. That the legs were naked was a problem. That there were four legs instead of two, however, was a major crisis. Bleary-eyed, he peeled back the blanket covering the top of the bed and was surprised to find his girlfriend asleep beside him. As equally naked as their legs were. A quick look at a bedside clock told him it was four in the afternoon. He used his eidetic memory to try to figure out how he'd gotten here. The last thing he remembered was eating his cereal and then he felt woozy and then … _Bloody hell!_

He sat up so fast, he woke up Amy. "Amy, we had coitus!" he yelled.

She sat up, rubbing her eyes and not bothering to cover her ample, naked bosom from his sight. His eyes caught on the swinging breasts and instinct told him to put one of them in his mouth. He slapped a hand over his mouth, unable to believe he would even think such a thing. Then, as he realized he'd already done that very action many times already, he closed his eyes and fell back on the bed with a groan. "Dear Lord, what have we done?"

Groggy herself, Amy tried to think back. She couldn't remember much, but the soreness of her muscles told her they had indeed done what Sheldon had said. _At last. Sheldon's virginity is mine!_ She grinned to herself.

"I had coitus! I didn't go to work all day! This is anarchy!" he yelled. "Ye think this is funny?"

She frowned. "Stop talking like Oliver Twist, and give it a rest with all the exclamation points. Shouting won't undo what we've done. Besides, we're genius scientists who work for illustrious universities. Nobody minds if we don't come in every now and again. We'll win Nobel Prizes sooner or later. We can take off work whenever we want if we just promise to do some sciency type stuff later from home—even if we never do."

"Sciency stuff like what?" he asked.

She shrugged. "Does it matter as long as there's smut in the story?"

"I suppose not. But we—but you—how—what happened?"

"We had coitus. I drugged you to make you more biddable to it happening. The way you were going, we were never going to have sex. I had a schedule to keep, and I'm not getting any younger, Sheldon."

"You drugged me and had your way with me against my will? Amy, how could you?"

She shrugged again. "I asked. You agreed. That's not against your will."

He nodded, unable to beat her logic. "But how could you make me have coitus? You know how I felt about that."

She held her throbbing head in her hands. "You enjoyed it as much as I did … I think."

Sheldon thought back, trying to remember it all. It was all there, like a picture behind a curtain of gauze. They had come together again and again in fit after fit of heated passion, coupling like rabbits in a heated chamber pot. Most of all, he remembered the pure bliss he had felt. "I did enjoy it."

"Good. Maybe after I get a shower, we can do it again."

He turned so quickly that she didn't have a chance to react. All she knew was one minute she was sitting up in the bed holding a sheet against her chest and the next she was flat on her back with a very nude Sheldon on top of her. "Why wait?" he asked, beginning to kiss down her neck.

"But what about your hygiene issues?"

He popped his head up a moment, as if pondering this. "They're gone."

"And your mysophobia?"

"My what?"

"You're fear of touching?"

He thought this through, running his hand along her shoulder. "It's gone too. Having coitus with you has cured me. Thank God!"

Her jaw fell open. "Really? That's bloody fantastic! Let's have coitus again!"

"Are you sure? We had it seven times already, didn't we? It was your first time as well last night. Are you sure you're not going to be sore or anything?"

"You are the best lover I ever had. I never knew someone could learn so much just by reading books."

He blushed under her praise. "Well, I do like to excel at everything."

"I love your genitals. Mash your bathing suit area with mine and make magic with me. My loins are on fire for you, Sheldon Cooper. That's what I know. Fill me with your genius seed. I feel the need, the need for twins!"

"One boy and one girl. We'll name them Jim and Mayim so the authors can show how clever they are." He groaned, rubbing against her. "I love you, Amy Farrah Fowler. Will you marry me?"

"Yes. I thought you'd never ask."

"Our coitus has freed me. Later, I will write you some cheesy poetry because that's how I roll now."

She smiled. "We'll get married tomorrow. Then, we'll live in your room and have coitus every day until the babies come. By then, Leonard and Penny will be engaged, and we can put the twins in Leonard's room."

"Yes," he said. "And this evening, we'll play Counterfactuals."

"Of course," she moaned as she kissed him. "Or go to the science center."

Then, there was no more time for talking. After all, there was coitus to be had, twins to be created, side-by-side Nobel Prizes to win, and an implausible happily ever after to live.

**—THE END?—**

**"In the land where excellence is commended, not envied, where weakness is aided, not mocked, there is no question as to how its inhabitants are all superhuman."  
― Criss Jami, _ Venus in Arms _**


End file.
